This Floating Excrement Was Way Too Meaningful! These Are the Television Disappointments of the Year.

As we consider the TV offerings of the recent year, a selection of shows emerge not for their excellence, but for their notable failures. Ranging from cringe-inducing sequels to confusingly bad documentaries, here are the programmes that had us utterly bewildered or just reaching for the remote.

The 'Sex and the City' Sequel

Where to begin with this divisive follow-up? Plagued with dreadful writing, painful arcs (we demand better for Miranda!), and a paltry 71 seconds of beloved Samantha, the show struggled to justify its existence. For a moment, as the third series began, it seemed as if it had finally hit its stride. Then came an installment centered on Seema’s natural deodorant. No wonder the creator announced this would be the last season. It concluded on a low point; the closeup of Miranda’s toilet full of poo was simply too on-the-nose. Still, viewers undeniably had a hoot dissecting every single “what on earth?” episode. And as Carrie – once again single – twirled around her palatial townhouse to Barry White, who couldn't release a little sob?

All’s Fair

‘Can Kim Kardashian act? Of course she can’t.’

But that was almost the smallest of this drama's issues. The recipient of a exceedingly uncommon no-star review, it was difficult to know where to begin listing the flaws. The laughably wooden dialogue? The mind-numbing veneration of affluence and consumption? The almost wilful parade of cliches? Acting so bad they felt borderline spiteful? Let’s just say “each and every one” and forget about this series again. Except, a second season has been ordered, so we’re likely going to have to.

The Charlie Sheen Documentary

Given the restraining orders, domestic violence claims and parental shortcomings, it’s reasonable to say Charlie Sheen has been a bad boy. Not that you’d truly have gleaned it from this multi-part docuseries which smirked its way at Sheen’s various bouts of self-destructive excess while failing to tell us a single thing we didn’t already know. Rather, it felt as if this volatile personality was being pandered to, so any sympathy this show might induce should be reserved for the people who have had to suffer proximity with this charismatic but flippant egotist.

The Supercomputer Drama

Naturally we knew it was ridiculous from the get-go: a thriller about a AI known as Charlie Big Potatoes that could either save the world – or destroy all of humanity. We stuck with it out of sheer admiration for its stars … but by the end, it felt like even they had given up trying. One scarcely reacted when his character died, and the other ended up hacking Charlie with an axe … in super slow-motion. That's what you call admitting defeat.

The Gangster Drama

Shady characters convening in deserted boxing gyms? The Prodigy’s Firestarter blaring in club scenes? The late 90s called and demands its crime drama back.

Actually, that is unfair on the gangland dramas of the late 90s. Many seem a bit dated now, but at least they didn’t endure the ignominy of having to indulge unconvincing accents. But there were plenty of other issues. Primarily that it was just profoundly boring; a dispute over narcotics territory between various London rogues which seemed rather simplistic.

The Meghan Markle Series

Considering the extent to which she grinds the gears of the nation’s ostentatiously angry commentators, it’s temptingly tempting to applaud the Duchess of Sussex’s televised forays into twee lifestyle as intentional statements. But then you view them and are compelled to concede that actually, they may have a point. It’s like watching a lifestyle catalogue come to life; a meme for evening drinks with ideas of grandeur; a parade of snoozing dogs, buzzing beehives, sentimental platitudes and forgettable crafting “tips” you’ll forget instantly. All supported by immense, mostly unearned wealth. Ugh.

The Beckham Documentary

There are obviously interesting things to be discussed about both Victoria Beckham and her struggles with vocation, self-image, self-acceptance. But for whatever reason, this documentary series chose not to explore them. Rather, the viewing was akin to consuming a marketing catalogue. She obviously has every right to resent what she describes as her “miserable cow” image. But sadly, she didn’t do herself any helps with this cagey non-event of a series.

The Game Show

It should have been the next cultural phenomenon – except even camper, with a glamorous star playing dead and a sharp-tongued personality overseeing her estate. What more could you ask for? As players battled it out, there was plenty of betrayal and squabbling. But the rules quickly became bewildering: it’s even now too complicated to explain what exactly was happening. Even more regrettably, we only saw brief appearances of the star via prerecorded videos. The series ended up smelling of a programme that was trying way too hard to live up to something far greater than it.

Too Much

How do you follow a show that defined a generation? The pressure was enormous for this starry romcom about Jessica, a rosy-eyed New Yorker who arrives in London with a shattered romance. The lead actress seized the opportunity by the horns and was a delight to watch, embodying Jane Austen levels of romantic ideals. But it was all very glossy and, paradoxically, was insufficient. Plus, the sheer amount of celebrity friends involved felt icky.

The Sketch Show Return

Not good enough to be ‘uneven’.

Given the smart recruitment of talented emerging comics, expectations were high. But sadly, most of it didn’t land. A particular sketch was a one-note joke stretched to a husk but recurring in every episode. One star seemed too ready to slip into a familiar ranting mode. The writing room sketches, meanwhile, simply inspired the idea that they should probably have stayed in there a bit longer.

The Twisted Tale of Amanda Knox

This dramatisation of the story of Amanda Knox was executive produced by Amanda Knox and pretty much solely presented the viewpoint of Amanda Knox. So, while there undoubtedly is an compelling drama to be made about the tragic 2007 murder, this was not it. The subject matter needed to be treated with care. Rather, the series struggled painfully to find the right tone, lurching from strangely breezy, somewhat mannered farce to inevitably, real-life horror. Twisted? Arguably. A complete mess? Absolutely.

The Maths Genius Thriller

We admire the lead actor … but did we buy him playing the most brilliant maths genius since, a man so intelligent he’s on the brink of a breakthrough that could destabilise society? No! This globe-trotting thriller about government agencies targeting – and eliminating – academics honestly got more farcical by the second. Silliness-by-numbers.

1000 Men and Me: The Bonnie Blue Story

This hagiography followed the online personality renowned for sexual exploits as she undertook her biggest challenge yet. What on earth would possess her? What we craved was far greater examination of her true psychology, plus those of the men in the line. They could at least have spoken to the now-famous mum who showed up to drag her son out of the queue. What we got was disturbing imagery and absolutely no critical analysis of her notoriety whatsoever. It's staggering to consider, the documentary-maker has a teenage daughter too.

Joshua Lynch
Joshua Lynch

A minimalist fashion enthusiast and sustainable living advocate, sharing insights on intentional style and eco-friendly practices.